I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I am mentally ready for anal.
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