i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All the doctor said was why
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
