She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
