hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
