she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
