Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
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