your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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