Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
