In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
