Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Randomize
