You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
