I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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