You can't motorboat a personality
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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