someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
