Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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