Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
