omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
