You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
