I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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