Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
