My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
