your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
