Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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