Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
