i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
