I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You did what with his pubic hair?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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