There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
