If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
