Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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