I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
