while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
