p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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