I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
