So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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