Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
