I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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