R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
