I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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