Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
