the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
