so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
