WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
