i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
