How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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