i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
