Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
