Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
