I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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