just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
