I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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