ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
