We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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