Swine flu. Run for my life!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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