Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
