im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
