I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
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So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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