my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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