Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
